someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
