Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
