i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
