She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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