The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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