Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
