do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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