Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
