Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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