Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
