Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
