we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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