I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
