I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
