You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
