first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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