I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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