I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
