So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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