I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
