I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I want to fling myself into the sun
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize