im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
