Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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