His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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