OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
