I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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