When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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