Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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