I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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