I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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