Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
