I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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