Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Even my vagina gasped.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
