so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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