There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
