There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
