Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
