then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
