I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We left the knife in your bed.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
