As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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