i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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