It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So many bounce houses so little time
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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