When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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