remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
