Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
