I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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