Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
