He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
