Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
