who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
