I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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