these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
